Apologies for the tardiness of this week’s instalment, I couldn’t be arsed to write last week, in all honesty.
Those of you thinking “I hadn’t noticed he didn’t write last week” or if you simply couldn’t give a shit, thank you for your support.
I jest, of course, but it wouldn’t be surprising if either of the above were true, which is one of the reasons I couldn’t be arsed last week.
I like to think I know a little bit about the game, but I don’t profess to be a tactical genius, so you’ll not get a blog from me dissecting the current 4-1-4-1 system and why it doesn’t work and all that. I call it as I see it and that’s about it.
Neither am I a financial expert (ask Barclays, they’ll back me up on that), so you’ll not get a blog from me on the current financial state of the club.
There are a lot of people who are better versed in each of these subjects who write about them way better than I ever could.
There are also people that know very little about each of these subjects and shouldn’t be going near them with a bargepole, let alone write about them flavoured with their own particular agenda.
With this in mind, excuse me for taking for granted that you’ve had enough of all that the last couple of weeks to last you a lifetime for now and could do with something to take your mind off of it for now.
Just in case, however, financial reports and the 4-1-4-1 formation have distracted you too much, here is a guide to Saturday’s opponents….
The Arsenal Fans A-Z of Tottenham Hotspur
A – Always in our shadow
Despite every year being “their year” it never is, is it?
B – Bingo Wings
This is quite possibly the single funniest moment in the history of football – a most constant source of amusement.
You know the story – Alan Sugar tweets that it’s 1-1 at Newcastle, cue flab flapping euphoria at the Lane.
Cue Michael Dawson being such a thick pr..k he celebrated reaching the Champions League at the final whistle.
Never get tired of this!
C – I’ll leave the obvious one to your imagination, but let’s not forget Chas and Dave.
I’m sure plenty of us have had a little sing-song to “Ain’t no pleasing you” when pissed out of our skull, but look at the state of this pair.
Look like they’ve hit every branch of the Yewtree on the way down.
D – DVD
Ah yes, the DVD, entitled “The Perfect Game” after they beat us in the Carling Worthington Milk Cup in 2008.
That it turned out to be more embarrassing for them than for us, as now any inevitable collapse results in DVD jokes.
The last known copy of “The Perfect Game” was seen nestling in the bargain bin in Poundland on Seven Sisters road, next to another gem filed under D….
E – Emmanuel Adebayor
Ex-Arsenal and Man City, now spends his time offside or giving interviews about how well he’s going to play this season, or some shit.
F – F..k off you Spurs.
G – Ginola
Great footballer, no doubt, but I prefer to remember David Ginola for doing shampoo commercials and noncing about on the beach on that shit Coach Trip programme.
“Because I’m worth it!”
You ain’t worth my spit sunshine.
H – Harry Redknapp.
Droopy faced, tax dodging, leaning out of his car window, wheeling dealing gimp.
Leaves a trail of financial destruction behind him wherever he goes, pissing off to the next club with Jermaine Defoe and the rest of the “family” up his arse.
Like a cheeky cockney Charles Manson in Nien Nunb’s body.
I – “In de cup for Tottingham.”
“Ossie’s going to Wembley; his knees have gone all trembly”
J – Jamie Redknapp.
The son of Harry and a shit pundit and wearer of ill-fitting suits. Enough said.
K – Kids crying.
Ok, this may be a bit mean, him being a kid and all, but let’s be honest – he’s only going to grow up a Tottenham fan ain’t he? So sod him.
I blame the parents, personally.
L – “Ledley’s knee will survive”
That “One Club” video. You’ve all seen it haven’t you? The gift that keeps on giving, there were some truly horrendous sights in that video.
Tottering Hotspurs finest hour, in my opinion.
M – Mind the Gap
N – North London is Red.
O – One Nil Down Two One Up
Not once but twice at White Hart Lane.
The first coming in the second half of the second leg of the Littlewoods cup semi-final in 1987, after our hilarious North London neighbours once again embarrassed themselves by announcing at half time how their fans could purchase tickets for a final they never reached.
The second was one of the finest moments of my Arsenal childhood, as one of my boyhood heroes, and a genuine Arsenal legend, David Rocastle, scored a late winner to take us to Wembley. Glorious stuff all round.
P – Pony.
Spurs once had a kit made by Pony. Pony.
Q – QPR – Harry’s latest conquest. (A tenuous link I know, but it’s the letter ‘Q’, give me a break….)
R – Roberts. Graham Roberts. Hard as nails but bitter as a drunk tramps piss.
S – Selfies kill. Mickey Hazard was on the verge of launching a nationwide campaign to ban the selfie after a few Arsenal players took the piss on at White Hart Lane for around the 9,000th time following our 1-0 win there last season.
I can’t remember exactly what he said and I can’t be arsed to look it up, but suffice to say, Mickey make himself look a bit of a tit again.
T – There were 10 Ten Tottenham Points in the Gap
U – Unbelievable.
It really is. Just when you think they’ve outdone themselves they do it again.
From Bingo Wings to One Club to countless Mind the Gaps and “this is our year.”
Can’t Smile Without You!
V – Vagina.
Glenn Hoddle has a vagina. As seen below:
*thanks to #SweetAFCJane for the heads up on the pic.
W – Waddle.
Chris Waddle. Who is in my opinion the worst ever pundit / co-commentator to open his gob.
The quite obvious anti-Arsenal (or “Arzel”) bias is bad enough but the inability to speak the English language is unforgiveable.
What the fuck was the interview for that job like? Not being able to pronounce the word “penalty” while commentating is like not being able to wipe an arse while working in an old folk’s home.
X – Ex-Captain.
Signing Sol Campbell was an amazing event, made all the more amazing by Sol going on to clinch the double with Arsenal.
Imagine if Twitter had been around when we signed Sol?
Y – You sold Bale, we signed Mesut Ozil.
Remember last summer, when they sold their best player, bought £100m worth of shite, gave it the big ‘un before a ball had been kicked and we beat them three times and it wasn’t their year again? Great times….
Z –Zzzzzzzzzz……. “Our year…..” zzzzzzzz………
So there you have it – no matter what shit Arsenal might put you through, you can always seek solace in the fact you ain’t one of that lot.
Whatever may have gone on over the last few weeks, on and off the pitch, I think we can all agree that it can be put to one side for now to focus on one thing – our hatred of Spurs.
That’s the one thing that football should be able to do for anybody – to forget everything else and lose yourself in the moment.
There’s no better place to lose yourself than in the incomparable, at times unbearable atmosphere of a North London Derby, and if you’re anything like me, that ninety minutes will transform you into a nervous, shouty, sweary wreck.
(Ask my wife and kids, they’ll back me up on that.)
It can be almost impossible to enjoy these games, until you are sure that you have won them.
I hope you all enjoy this one.
Up The Arsenal
I should tell you a bit about myself. I’m not a stat man or a tactical genius, and you certainly won’t hear my opinion on Arsenal Football Club finances. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that, it’s just not my thing. Don’t get me wrong, some do this very well but, for me, football has always been about what’s on the pitch, watching the game, discussing it over a beer with your mates after, then going into work on Monday morning either gloating or defending your team to the hilt, resisting the temptation to punch the token deluded Tottenham fan in the throat. Oh and my Dad and brothers are all with the Dark Side…