Welcome to Your Local AHA meeting
In a small church hall in Cheshire, a group of dishevelled men sit in a circle, eating rich tea biscuits and drinking tea. Everyone goes quiet when a small ginger guys stands up to speak.
“Hi may name is Paul and I’m an addict, an Arsenal Hating Addict.”
“Hi Paul” comes the reply from the rest of the room.
“I bloody hate Arsenal, I played for Manchester United for like 20 years and I hate Arsenal.” Mr Scholes starts. “I mean, Mezut Özil? Too good for Arsenal.
Danny Welbeck? Needs to practice his shooting and can’t score 25 goals in a season.
Jack Wilshere? Does not look any better a player now than when he was 17.
Per Mertesacker? Arsene’s tactics and lack of defenders expose him.
Arsene Wenger? His inadequacies will hold back Arsenal.
Arsenal? All style, no substance.
Arsenal? Go for a Premier League trophy? They are a million miles away.
At this stage a grey, gaunt-looking gentleman starts mumbling and gets up to leave. The group organiser tries to restrain him, but he is adamant and forces his way to the door, where he turns around to address the room.
“Hi I’m Stewart Robson, sorry, I’m an addict too, but this is outrageous, this guy is beyond help, I can’t listen to this crap anymore, I’m off….” and out he storms, taking a pack of chocolate hob nobs with him.
Unperturbed by this interruption, Scholesy carries on;
“And another thing, Arsenal always qualify and always seem to get through the group. The only problem with Arsenal is when they meet top teams, they don’t seem to have the consistent level of mental strength to get through it.”
And so it goes on and on and on, until Paul’s trail of thought is disrupted by his mobile ringing. Embarrassed by this interruption, he answers it and waits for the voice on the other end.
“Hi Paul, it’s talkSPORT here, we are looking for an Arsenal-hating pundit for Premier League games, to replace Adrian Durham and we’ve heard you were free.”
A wry smile breaks out on the ginger ones face. He looks up to the crowd and says,
“Stuff you lot, I’m out of here, I’m gonna get paid for this addiction, sweet!!!”……….
Mr Scholes, you don’t play for United any more, you don’t have to toe the party line, you can think for yourself. Or are you so blinkered, you can’t see beyond those Dark Satanic Mills, AKA Old Trafford.
Remember, whilst Welbeck was playing Champions League football and Arsenal were comfortably beating Aston Villa, Wayne Rooney was picking out which series of Breaking Bad to watch and Leicester City were banging five goals past United.
But we don’t talk about that now, do we?!
Please, take a leaf out of Gary Neville’s book on punditry, because he cut the umbilical cord and is now one of the best and level headed pundits out there.
TheSundayMorningGooner and his Far Side View