DB’s Season Diary Week 34
This is one of those strange times I occasionally encounter when writing this diary the way I do, when as I write there is absolutely jack shit going on.
The respectable draw with Manchester City at the weekend meant there was no Monday morning meltdown, the lack of a fixture meant there was no midweek meltdown, and by the time you read this, we would have played Everton, and I have no idea what mental state you and I will be in, and I am purposefully not covering Sunday’s (yesterday’s) game for dramatic effect.
This will also be the last thing you will read from me before the FA Cup semi-final, so this time next week we will all either be slitting our wrists or feeling on top of the world (ish).
If modern football can be compared to some kind of fucked up soap opera, then writing this I feel like whoever wrote that storyline where Phil Mitchell got shot and they filmed multiple endings and nobody knew which one was gonna be used and in the end it was his ex-bird what shot him and Ian Beale saw him lying there but left him to die but he didn’t die and he knew it was his ex-bird all along.
It’s still not confirmed how this will end, but I can give you the inside scoop on all the possible scenarios in this particular storyline of the Arsenal soap opera.
It’s like a hybrid of Dallas and Eastenders.
The former due to some of the characters keep changing sides so often even they forget what side they’re on, the latter as there is a lot of shouting and over the top dramatics.
Anyway, without further ado, I bring you…..
Who Shot Arsene Wenger?
Setting the scene…
In true soap opera fashion, Arsene is a man who has been ruffling a few feathers of late, and making himself a few enemies along the way.
He’s not necessarily a bad person though, and sometimes just merely being himself is enough to rub people up the wrong way, either through word or deed.
Scenario One – Arsenal lose to Everton and Wigan
All hell has broken lose. Arsene is in a critical condition in hospital, and the odds are that he isn’t going to make it.
He has an armed guard from AKB Security, a company specially hired by… erm … someone, by his bed 24/7 to protect him from those who want to pull the plug. A small crowd keeps a vigil outside the hospital, praying he will pull through and be given the chance to redeem himself in the summer.
Things turn nasty when some of Arsene’s enemies turn up and confront them, and they stand opposite each other calling each other names without any actual violence ensuing. A bit like a night in the Queen Vic where some old trollop’s had a few too many G & T’s and starts “shaaaatin’ her maaaath orrrf!”
Will Arsene survive?
Who pulled the trigger?
To be continued……
Scenario Two – Arsenal beat Everton but lose to Wigan
The week begins with Arsene strolling merrily along, he’s had a good few days so he’s just soaking it up, blissfully unaware that he is being watched.
This false sense of security that has also rubbed off on those close to him proves to be his downfall, however, and at the end of the week a solitary gunshot is heard as Arsene drops to his knees.
Scurrying footsteps are heard coming from the darkness, but nobody comes to his aid. Not even Ian fucking Beale. We didn’t see this coming, and we cut to the closing credits with no music, just the sight of Arsene lying on the ground, alone and motionless……
To be continued…..
Scenario Three – Arsenal lose to Everton and beat Wigan
The week begins with a huge firefight, as shots are fired from all sides. Amidst the confusion, Arsene goes missing, with nobody knowing whether he was caught in the crossfire, or if he managed to get away unharmed.
The rest of the week is clouded in rumour, mystery and grown men pissing and whining like bitchy little schoolgirls, before finally reaching a climax when Arsene emerges from the shadows, Dirty Den style….
Scenario Four – Arsenal beat Everton and Wigan
A solitary shot rings out, the bullet bounces off of Arsene’s bullet proof vest goes straight through Stewart Robson’s head and hits Adrian Durham square in the cock.
Neil Ashton, who happens to be driving past, on the prowl for a lady of the night is distracted by this and ploughs his car straight into Alan Hansen’s arse.
Arsene carries on walking and we all enjoy a good old cockney knees up, like Frank Butcher and Fat Pat’s wedding, with Podolski and Per in full pearly king get up
“‘ave eine Banane!”
As I said, this is the last thing you’ll read from me before the FA Cup semi-final, and I have purposefully not mentioned yesterdays game (mainly because it hasn’t happened yet, and time constraints mean I am unable to cover it, which is why I’ve given you a soap opera about it, even though it happened yesterday, if you get me…)
Anyway whatever happened yesterday, it does not matter one bit to me as far as Saturday goes right now.
What matters this week is that we are going to Wembley for a semi-final, with the best chance we have of winning a trophy for a good few years, let’s not forget.
By all means have a debate about what happens next, and all that, but if you can’t find it in yourself to get behind the team at Wembley, where we will have twice as many fans as the opposition, then quite frankly you need to re-evaluate why you watch football in the first place.
Saturday is not the time or place to let everyone know who you think is shit, or what you think of the manager – that can wait. Saturday is all about The Arsenal.
Up The Arsenal