The 113th Football Oscars – 2014
It’s that time of year again, when we roll out the red carpet, pop the Man of the Match champagne, and pay homage to the great and the good, and the truly terrible of the season to date.
A chance for the players and managers and commentators alike, to dress up and let their hair down for an evening, perfectly timed around an international week, so that a hangover isn’t a problem. It is an opportunity for managers to double up and lick the arses of a player and his agent at the same time. (Sounds kinky – well, it is).
“Why are they held in the middle of the season?” I hear you ask. The answer is simple really – it gives everyone a break from the pressure cooker that is football, and allows them get pissed during an international week, when they couldn’t give two fucks about football anyway, plus all other awards are voted for months before the prizes are given out, so why not this one.
Right then, the scene is set. Bring it on, and as there is no live TV coverage of the event, only highlights of it the following day, we at Gunners Town have a reporter in situ, and he’ll be sending us photos and reports, as and when the important stuff happens. So, without further ado, we’ll head over to our man on the spot, Ian-Vince Ible, to see what’s going on.
Ian – “Good evening and welcome to this very special evening, you’ve come to me at just the right moment, as the important stuff has just begun, and is warming up nicely. It’s the first competition of the night, and some would say, the most important competition of the night. What am I talking about? Well fashion of course. What would the Football Oscars be without the glitz and glamour of the red carpet, so let’s go have a look at what’s on show, shall we?”
Of course with great pomp and ceremony, the first to arrive out of a cheaply blinged up white and pink Hummer Limousine, it’s Wayne Rooney and Coleen looking, well, we’ll let you make your minds up…
Stunning looking couple. What a way to start the evening. Boy, the rest has a lot to live up to. I see why they decided to come early, get in first and pile the pressure onto the rest. (Or to milk the free bar, the pair of spongers).
Jesus, Manchester United must be planning a big night tonight, they’re all out early, as here comes Rio, looking like a certainty for an award later –
What can I say? Has Gok Wan signed for United as part of some sponsorship deal?
Wait! wait, not to be outdone, here comes Mark Hughes with an old friend. Wow, talk about bringing Hollywood to the Football version of The Oscars. Michael Douglas with him, (they became friends during his time at Blackburn), paying homage to Blackburn Rovers in his very dapper blazer.
Stunning! Simply stunning. I must say, I love the effort they go to for this Gala evening. We become accustomed to seeing them in tracksuits, that it’s such a sight to see them dressed up and out relaxing for a night on the tiles.
Next up, we’ve another manager….well a former manager in the English leagues, Rafa Benitez, looking like he’s lost a bit of weight. And showing that not only did he pass on his knowledge to the Chelsea players, it looks like they’ve passed some of their habits onto him.
Ok, most of the guests are inside in the warmth, enjoying dinner and lashings and lashings of alcohol, I think it’s about time we joined them.
It is boiling hot inside, the smell of champagne and cigars is 3 dimensional, and the fear of being gangbanged of the waitresses is palpable, so many premier league footballers tanked up in one room, this could go all Tudors. The early evening entertainment is supplied by Alexi Lalas the retired American centre back –
But nobody is really paying any attention, they’re just getting pissed up and groping anything that moves, and awaiting the awards and the chance to show off and gloat, like they can do better than anybody else. Alas, looking at some of the players, it doesn’t look like they’ll even make it as far as the presentations. All the training they do must reduce their alcohol intolerance, as they are already completely blathered. Fernando Torres for one definitely won’t’ see 9 o’ clock, he’s only in the door, and already he’s on the floor. (Not that he would’ve been getting an award anyway).
Looking into the corner where the United players are seated, I can see Rafael is twisted, and already hit the “I love ouuuu” mode, hanging out of players, kissing them, and now even Fergie, licking his jaw, calling him daddy. He’s heading Wayne Rooney’s direction now (Robin van Persie should study that), it could get messy –
So far we’ve only mentioned Chelsea and United players, and some may think we’re being biased, but at the moment, the players from the other sides are pretty much behaving themselves, until now. I decided to go into the small bar, just to the right of the main hall, for a sneaky fag and a quick gin, and low and behold I find the record signing from Arsenal, Mesut Ozil, propping up the bar, on his own, off his tits, and grabbing for some company.
To be honest, I’ve become sickened by all the pomp and ceremony, and the wealth on show, the false laughs and the sneaky agents eyes in the main hall, so I decide to join Ozil, take off my dinner jacket and pour a stiff whiskey…
So I’ll sit here, drink with Ozzy (that’s what he told me to call him), and let you know who wins what as the night goes on.
The Oscar for Best Agent went to Paul Stretford (Wayne Rooney)
The Oscar for Best Impression of a Manager went to David Moyes for (Manchester United)
The Oscar for Best Foreign Language short interview goes to Wayne Rooney
The Oscar for Best Stunt-Actor goes to Alan Pardew (Newcastle) in Headbutt in Hull
The Oscar for Ugliest Pundit again goes to Iain Dowie
The Oscar for Worst Pundit went to Michael Owen
The Oscar for Most Improved Manager/Team was Brendan Rodgers/Liverpool
The Oscar for best fictional transfer goes to Julian Draxler in Arsenal…. I mean Schalke.
The Oscar for best supporting supporter goes to Alan in The Bedroom
The Oscar for Best Tweet by a player goes to Jimmy Bullard for “There’s two feet of snow out there”
The Oscar for Best Football Lookalike goes to Roy Hodgson in Liberace (not literally in him)
Finally the Oscar for Special Effects went to Shinji Kagawa on David Moyes
That’s nearly the lot. There were more awards, but in all honesty the whiskey had really taken effect, Ozil had already passed out, and I had replaced him as the one propping up the bar, the only difference being, I had nothing left in my pockets and I was propping the bar up with a drowly jaw, but I spotted and remembered just one more thing before I passed out. Rio Ferdinand had eaten far too much throughout the night.
Well folks, there you have it, another year, another Oscars wrapped up. I apologise for passing out and missing some awards, but I gave you plenty to work with, and the rest you can get from the paper with your morning coffee, which is what I’m heading for now. From me, Ian-Vince Ible, goodnight and sleep tight, over and out.
P.S. – On the way out the door I found the notes of another journalist with the big winners scribbled down, here you go –
Man United with ‘12 points adrift’.
Manchester City with ‘The Abu Dhabi Buyers Club’.
Chelsea cleaned up with – 1) ‘Chavity’ , 2) ‘Blue Joseminge’.
With a slight link to Chelsea, Rafa Benitez in ‘The (Spanish) Butler’.
Liverpool with ‘American Hustlers’.
And finally in the referee section, the winner included in both the worst, and the fattest section was ‘Philomena’ Dowd.
Until next year.