Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea have signed no one so chill Gooners

I didn’t write a
piece last week, as I needed the break – big time. You see I tend to look at
Twitter, see what’s going on and either comment, give my point, take the piss
or just state the obvious. (Hence the anti-social media behaviour title).
Stating the obvious sometimes works best, as it can help people to realise just
how stupid some of the shit they are spouting out actually is.

But last week, it just got all too much. The endless
arguing, bickering, whinging, sniping all got too much. The sun was shining,
but this shit was getting me down. Man, if Twitter was pub, you wouldn’t drink
in it as regularly as you log onto it (but wouldn’t give up either), it’s full
of fucking asswipes and know-it-alls and childish rows of the “nah na ni nah
na” types, or the “haha I told ye he’s sign” – “ye well I said it first”, “no
ye didn’t”, “I did, I did, swear”, “made you look made you stare, made your
mammy cut your hair” nonsense.

What makes it worse is, you’d swear our rivals were hovering
up top names like Jordan guzzles spunk, or Robbie Fowler hoovered coke, like Wayne
Rooney attacks kebabs. BUT NO! Our rivals are only getting better bullshit made
up about them. Our rivals are being linked to bigger names. For the fucking
love of Dennis Bergkamp, give me strength.

Like I said, lets state the obvious:

MANCHESTER UNITED – Have so far signed a 20/21 year old
Uruguayan (I think), left or right back. I’m not sure of his age/name or
position, because I couldn’t really give two flying fucks, and that’s what they
paid for him; two fucks (well million). So far, mind-blowing transfer business
“Lock the doors of The Emirates, run away, shut The Armoury, we’re no longer
open for business, what’s the point in carrying on….”

Oh Dennis, give us peace…

They’ve been turned down by Kevin Strootman, deciding to go to
Roma instead (That’d scare me if I were a Unitedd fan). Even bigger they’ve
been turned down by Thiago Alcantara, who’d prefer to try getting into Bayern
Munich’s midfield, consisting of the likes of Toni Kroos, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Mario
Gotze, et al, rather than go up against a fat Brazilian ladyboy and a 40-year-old
Ryan Giggs…

Still panic… “But they’re linked to” ah go and fuck, they
were linked to loads last year too, and even with Sir Alex Ferguson in charge there
they still couldn’t do it, (the likes of Lucas Moura for example), so why would
The Ginger One be more successful this year? Of their top three targets, so far
two have turned them down and Ezequiel Garay, the centre-half, is the last to
decide if he likes the idea of playing under the red pubed one.

Moyes couldn’t even buy Baines off himself FFS (though he
probably will get him), and Rooney’s fecked off home (from Bangkok FFS- a
granny shaggers paradise/ any type of shaggers paradise), as he wasn’t sure if
he was injured, pissed off or hungry.

So not a lot to panic about there then.

CHELSEA – Well they’ve signed Andre Schurrle, admittedly not
a bad bit of business I’m told, or should I say, so the Bundesliga hipsters
tell me. £22m for a left-sided attacking German, mmmm, I believe we already
have one of them and a damn good one too, a record-breaking one actually, with
a phenomenal goal scoring/caps record, for half that price, who’s already now
adjusted to the Premier League.

Panic, what panic…

They’ve also got a ladyboy, who nobody wants to get into bed
with, poor old Fernando Torres, who’s being whored around clubs, but can’t sell
for love nor money, and yet even with Roman’s Rubels in charge, even they need
to sell before they can outlay a huge amount on a striker. And then they have
Demba Ba, ah BA, I remember the outrage when we didn’t sign him,’ Twittersphere
explosion’, well that’s worked out well, hasn’t it? He’ll soon be plying his
trade alongside that other Twitter grenade Mohamed Diame at West Ham United by
the looks of things.

They’ve also signed a 40-year-old keeper, but decided to
leave one of the best young keepers in Europe on loan, weird? Panic? They’ve allegedly
even considered selling Juan Mata for crying out loud (allegedly),well if
that’s the way Jose Mourinho is thinking then good luck to them I say.

Panic, I say, what need to panic.

the money men. Well they were the money men last year too, and that didn’t work
out too well. No point having all the cash if you’re only going to buy the most
expensive thing in Argos FFS, and still think you’re the dog’s bollocks.

Fernandinho – 28, still playing in the Ukrainian league, now
that sounds familiar Andrei – and we know how that worked out. And Jesus Navas;
the man who got homesick when he opened his atlas to see where Manchester
actually was.

Panic. Fuck that.

LIVERPOOL– Jaysus, where do I begin? Well, if you can
honestly claim that you’ve seen all the cunts that they’ve signed, playing
before, then you my friend should really get out more. The bosses at Panini
sticker factory had an awful hard time even finding photos of them.

Panic? Catch a grip.

So there you have it, panicking, arguing, fighting,
stressing over what? Nothing ! Feck all ! Nada ! Zip! There’s enough shit to
stress about in life without that kind of carry on, like

Work , or lack of.

Transport , or lack of.

Money , or lack of.

Traffic (Never a fucking lack of).

Weather (or lack of good stuff).

Penis size, or lack of.

So you see what I’m getting at. I’ve just watched the
Indonesia friendly, and I tell you Arsene Wenger and co. are looking a lot more
relaxed than they were this time last year – no horse-faced, just for men
advert types knocking his door wanting to fulfil his dream of playing under
David Moyes. They’re relaxed, as they know what they’re doing, they know the
progress they’re making and the targets that they want, so we should all take a
leaf out of their books, and chill the fuck out. It’s sport, and unless you’re getting paid for doing it or for watching it, then it’s a
hobby or a past-time (granted an obsessional one). So let’s fucking enjoy it!
Stop arguing! Stop making up bullshit! Stop spreading heard/seen bullshit! And
enjoy, people, enjoy. Let the pros be pros, they’ve made their beds this
summer, now let them lie in it, don’t let the axe fall just yet.

Right so that’s the panic sorted. Anyway I was going to pack
it all in, this whole malarkey, the Twitter and the writing for the lads in
Gunners Town, the lot. I couldn’t see the point anymore. If it wasn’t transfer-related
cockwash, then the majority didn’t want to hear what you had to say.

Then a few angels came and restored my love for Twitter. Scrolling
through all the bitterness and agenda, then BOOM – A Tweet from @BenAFC78 to
@Tim_Lewis85 which simply read: “Is that a turd on a stick?”. Love it. Now
that’s what Twitter’s about. And along came Becky/ @goonergirly and
@SweetAFCJane, and we ended having a discussion about my liking of having a
giant penguin as a butler, to bring my beers from the fridge when I call him
(saves money, they look like they’re wearing a tuxedo already). I’d just
mentioned that if Arsenal didn’t buy Gonzalo Higuain that I would, and I’d use
him as a butler instead of a penguin. HIGUAIN -> PENGUAIN. ( the only
problem was the quality of beer would have to nosedive as Higgy would cost so
much). “And you called us childish at the beginning”, I hear you say haha.

Well in my eyes that’s what Twitter should be about –
chatting, meeting new and different people that you’d never have a chance of
meeting otherwise, learning, laughing, sharing and most importantly discussing

So faith restored, I decided “No fucking way am I being
driven away from this by these moaning childish whelps”, but what could I do?
So, I tweeted – >

Arsenal should set up an Arsenal B, kind of like barca’s,
and let the Twitter twats run it,give them a budget and see how great they

Well, the response was off the charts. I even won a prize off
Letty @Le77y64 for “Best Idea Ever” – which had to be collected before 12, and
I couldn’t make it as my red n’ white unicorn won’t fly in temperature’s over
23 degree’s – the overpaid prima donna. Favourite after favourite, Retweet
followed retweet, as much as there would be if there was a leaked photo of
Giroud’s man pipe doing the rounds (one for the ladies). And so BArsenal was
formed, there and then, all these people who I’ve never met were there to share
this new beginning – aww Twitter I love you again. I had to get to work. On
behalf of the Twitter Twat’s I contacted the club and drew up a Business plan
for them, and it went like this –

BArsenal – The creation of a pooper club

-Build a smaller stadium adjacent to The Ems for
them to use similar to Barca.

-Let them chose who to sign/hire.

-See pt.2 – therefore we’ll need a squad of
around 130 players as they change their minds so often.

-Let them handle the dealings themselves – Ivan Gazidis,
Dick Law, they don’t want your type round here.

-They’ll run it for free. They won’t take a wage
– well they do it for free already from their bedrooms – From bedrooms to boardrooms.

-You will need to give them around £720m for
transfers. These fuckers have expensive taste.

-The main Arsenal board cannot intervene when
BArsenal try to sign Diame, Scott Parker, Clint Dempsey, Roger Johnson et al.
or when they offer massive wages for 32-year-olds.

-They can choose exactly what colour the kits
will be. I know some weren’t too happy with the light shade of blue used in the
away kit.

-They decide which statues go outside the ground,
what pose they take and even what direction they face – they seemed a little
unhappy when it was rumoured that the Dennis statue was going to be unveiled
this week.

-They’re going to need some TV’s/monitors too,
for when they find out it’s not as easy as they thought to get deals done, they
can strap TV’s to the front of youth team players and run YouTube videos of
said target on them instead. 
(Cavani/Capoue etc.)

This is a brief business plan
that I will go into more detail with you when we meet, sincerely Woody, on
behalf of the Twitter Twats, Twoaners and Twanagers everywhere.

On the phone Arsenal said they
would be very interested, but like all dealings they had to look at it in
greater detail. They said this would take time as they like to be sure, but
that they liked what they saw. They said they’ll contact me in about three
years. (BOOM BOOM).

So there you go, that should keep
the moaning fucks quiet for a long while, running their own club and all that
goes with it, therefore relieving our T/L’s of their stress and bollock’s

You can thank me later.

‘til the future,


John Woods

3 Responses to Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea have signed no one so chill Gooners

  1. JASPERCLIFFORDSMITH July 16, 2013 at 9:31 pm #

    Yeah, I agree with all of that but you really need an editor. Also Fernandinho played in the Ukraine and Mario Gotze is a striker, not a midfielder.

  2. Hatim El Jazouli July 17, 2013 at 3:04 am #

    It’s a good article but you got some things wrong, for example Chelsea signed van Ginkel too who looks promising, and Fernandinho comes from the Ukranian league

  3. Safari ContSaf July 17, 2013 at 6:27 am #

    awesome post! loved it, brings sanity back.. from wherever he went in this mad season!

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