An Englishman and a Belarusian walk into an Irish bar in Hong Kong to watch the latest instalment of the Europa League. The Belarusian orders a bottle of vodka and sits at one end of the bar and the Englishman orders a pint of Fosters and sits at the other.
25 minutes into the game, with Bate 3 nil down, the Belarusian shouts,
“Hey Arsenal, come here, I want to show you how to manage a piss up in a brewery, cos you sure as hell can’t manage a football team”
Slightly taken aback by this, the Gooner replies,
“Ok Bate Boy, but only cos I’m intrigued and haven’t got a clue what the hell you are taking about”
“Mr Arse, you know exactly what I is talking about, Wenger, Kroenke and players contracts. No one else lets their best players’ contract go to last year and lose them in January for price of Minsk prostitute.”
“Whilst you may be correct on the first point my soviet friend, you are as cold as a Siberian winter on the others”
“I read The Sun. They tell me facts. They tell that you are run by people who no care about football. They tell me you is are going to be £75m down come the summer. They tell me you is run as successful as the Russian economy”
“Well, if you knew anything about football, you would know that no real football fan reads the Current Bun and if you knew anything about football, you would know that although we are run by an American who collects sports clubs like Putin collects Clinton’s emails, you would know we aren’t the only club in line to lose some big names and big money in the summer”
“As you westerners say ‘Fake News’, you are run for capitalist gain and sporting pain”
“Ok, while not defending Mr Kroenke’s motives, at least let me correct you poorly informed, vodka addled brain.
Manchester United – Juan Mata (£40m), Danny Blind (£15m), Anderson Herrera (£32m), all first team players, all in last year of their contract. Not so genius contract management by the self-confessed special one.”
“Never speak of that man in my presence, he disrespect all Russian bothers by twice deserting Roman, the man who made him, the man who gave him everything, the man who made the so called special one. Anyway, we have wire taps, we know things, we know Maureen secretly loves Arsene, and we know he is always talking about him, so of course we know he is copying Mr Wenger in everything”
“Ok, I think that’s probably more information than I needed or expected, but it is the same at other big clubs
For example, Barca, Iniesta is in his last 12 months and I know he’s 33, but to replace him is going to cost upwards of a £100m, that’s just bad management.
At Juventus, Giorgio Chiellini has entered his last year and yes he’s also 33 but he is still one of the best defenders in the world and if Kyle Walker is worth £55m, Chiellini is still worth that and some. Need I go on?”
“Whatever man, I know my sh.t and you is run by a Trump lovin’, animal murdering, franchise manager. You need a good, honest Usbeki owner, who will treat you right, show a good time and spend his hard earned money where it matters”
“To be honest, I’d rather have neither if it’s all the same with you.
Now open that vodka and you can show me how to manage getting p.ssed”