Here Comes the Summer
Welcome Back to The Silly Season
As you may or may not know, last summer I wrote a weekly column throughout what we’ve come to know as the Silly Season.
Yep, you read that right.
I actually wrote a weekly column covering the whole of last summer’s transfer window fun.
Well, it’s time to dust off the straight jacket, and clean the dried shit off the walls of the padded cell, because that time is upon us again.
I was originally going to briefly go over what happened last summer, but seeing as the madness is well and truly underway already, I don’t think that will do anyone any good.
Don’t Mention the C Word
You’re not going to find any talk of transfer bollocks and meltdowns here this week though, you’ve seen enough of it already, and chances are you’re going to see a whole lot more than is healthy.
I’m here to save you from all that.
And there will be no mention of the C word either.
Wouldn’t wanna be a cunt, eh?
One thing we can do though is to use our experiences from last summer to help us get through this one. Looking at Twitter this week, I fear it may be too late for some, but if you are still even the slightest bit sane, then I’ve put together another Summer Survival Guide to hopefully prevent you from ending up rocking back and forth in your chair, covered in your own shit come late August.
DB’s Essential Summer Survival Guide 2014
Survive the summer in 4 simple steps:
its early June, the transfer window is open until the end of August.
Yes, it’s a cliché.
Yes, I’m sure you can justify getting your knickers in a twist this early due to past experiences and all that, but it’s really down to you much you let it get to you.
If you find yourself getting worked up already, take a deep breath and calm down.
Enjoy the World Cup
This year we are lucky enough to have the distraction of the World Cup to help take our minds off of things.
Whether or not you are a fan of international football, the World Cup is a great spectacle for football fans and non-fans alike.
As much as anything else, it’s an excuse to drink a lot, which is also a good way to take your mind off of other things. I mean, if you are worrying about the transfer window whilst pissed out of your skull then I have no doubt you are mentally ill.
Warning! While being a welcome distraction, the World Cup also comes with its own dangers.
Please, for the love of everything that is holy, DO NOT decide that every time a player, any player, has a decent game or scores a couple of goals, suggest them as a possible signing.
If Twitter had been around in 1990 I swear that a fair amount of people would be clamouring for us to sign Roger Milla, who was around 86 years old at the time.
(Insert “would still be better than Giroud” joke here, smartarses.)
From journalists to agents, managers, right through to the players themselves, assume they are all full of shit, and you will never be let down.
As far as transfer speculation goes, stick to the tried and tested “I won’t believe it until I see it on .com” approach and you can’t go wrong.
Think about this for a minute – something appears on your Twitter timeline calling himself “Spotty Little Virgin ITK”, or “Agent Wank Sock”
(Ok, nobody would actually call themselves that, but if you have “Agent” or “ITK” in your Twitter handle, you may as well do) – with some inside info regarding transfer news.
I don’t think I need to add anything to the words “think about this for a minute” do I?
(If you answered anything other than “no” there, then it is too late for you. Or you ARE Agent Wank Sock, in which case it’s probably best you fuck off now).
In a nutshell – nobody that calls himself Wayne Gooney is worthy of your time.
Follow these four simple steps and you are well on your way to surviving the summer.
There are a number of other dangers to avoid though.
Keep this list with you at all times.
Think of it as a phrase book when you are in a foreign land, as the Silly Season comes with its own language and customs.
Your Silly Season Phrasebook
War Chest – an amount of money supposedly available for use in the transfer market. Can be anything from £100 million to £900 billion.
Not an actual chest, and can be used in peace time.
“My Sources Tell Me” – “The voices in my head tell me” / “the last site on a google search result of 200 million pages tells me” / “nobody speaks to me” / “Mummy never loved me”/ “My wife has left me” / “Follow me and I’ll take it as an invite to sleep in your garden” / “Hold me….”
See also “Sources close to the club” – “We just made this up”
Release Clause – Don’t, just fucking DON’T….
Smoke Screen – “Bollocks”
Exclusive – “Nicked”
Sensational Swoop – “fucking bullshit”
BREAKING – “someone check Jim White’s pants”
Bracing themselves for a bid – “He’s been tapped up”
Done – “NOT done”
Agreed in principle – “about to raise the price by £10 million”
Stalled – “fucked”
Stay tuned for more – “turn over, we’re going to talk about Golf for the next 10 minutes, then repeat what we’ve just told you”
Long term admirer – “will never sign him” – Also known as The Frey Effect
“We’re going to end up with Kalou and James Milner ain’t we?” – I’ve been on the internet for 48 hours straight and I’m now starting to draw blood when I masturbate.
The list is endless, and to be quite honest if you haven’t already got the gist you might as well give up now.
Top Tip for 2014 – I can’t hear yoooooou……
Twitter has a new feature called the Cunt Filter, also known as the “Mute button”, a glorious invention which is the social media equivalent of pretending to need a piss when that harmless but annoying twat in the pub tries to engage you in conversation.
You know the type, the bloke who after a few beers tells you the same story every ten minutes, and after the third time you’ve stopped listening through fear of putting a glass in his neck.
Well, thanks to the Cunt Filter you can now completely ignore the bloke without offending him too much.
I’ll leave it there for now, but surviving the Silly Season is an ongoing thing, something we need to get through together, and as I’m that kinda guy, I will be bringing you more survival tips throughout this trying time.
For now though, just make sure you remember the four essential steps to surviving the summer –
Enjoy the World Cup
Or C.E.S.C for short….