Julian Draxler, Diego Costa, Alvaro Morata, Theo Walcott, WWE and Robert Pires; Arsenal Transfer Madness

Week Twenty Two – Do it for Theo!

Transfer Window Week Two Buzzwords: Release Clause (RC), Julian Draxler, Diego Costa, Alvaro Morata, Stop-Gap

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We play Aston Villa away tonight, the reverse of our opening fixture of the season. Thinking back to how we all felt after that game, it is amazing now to think that a win tonight would see us go back above Chelsea and Manchester City at the top of the Premier League isn’t it?

Anyway, as there has been no Arsenal this week (until later on this evening of course, but my TARDIS is little bit broken), I’ve decided to write about a number of other pressing topics.

This week I will be listing and discussing ALL of Arsenal’s potential January transfer targets.
I will then be giving you my opinion on who we should sign and why we won’t sign them, who we shouldn’t sign and why I bet we will sign them, as well as telling you who we should already have signed ages ago and questioning why we didn’t/wouldn’t sign them, as “the money is/was there”.

Of course, we can’t discuss potential signings without discussing exactly where they will/would/wouldn’t/could/couldn’t/can/can’t/might if such and such played at *insert abbreviated position, which may or may not even be a position, maybe even a position you’ve made up yourself here* play in our current/potential/imaginary system/formation.

I will then go on to discuss which are the best sources from which to gather the best information regarding information on the above, and which “ITK” has the biggest penis.

I won’t be talking about any of that of course, but that pretty much sums up my view of the transfer window so far, I don’t know about you.

I try to look at it with a sense of amusement where possible. There are some very strange people about during a transfer window, no doubt about that. But I don’t see the point in getting worked up about anyone who is clearly Tweeting (mostly to themselves) from their Mum’s basement in their pants, scoffing cheesy wotsits and masturbating furiously every time they get an RT do you?

They don’t need “rooting out” or “exposing”, they just need psychiatric assessment. You have to consider the fact that a transfer window is probably either the only window they see all year round, or the only one they get near without licking it… Besides, getting yourself bogged down with all that crap can take your attention away from the fact that there are actually people out there with genuine info.

I suppose we could have some fun with them though. Round them all up and create some sort of fucked up TV show. “ITK Wars” perhaps? A bit like Robot Wars, but a bit more WWE. The Great Indy vs Agent ITK in a “Loser Has to Reveal Their Sources Match” or something like that.

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Or, we could just ignore them…

The injury to Theo Walcott (more on that a bit later) has obviously pushed transfer speculation beyond overdrive, and as I mentioned earlier this includes not just who we sign but where they play and where everyone else should play etc.

Just looking at Twitter for a few minutes on the morning after the length of Theo’s layoff was announced you could see a couple of thousand different permutations as to how we would/could/should line up with/without a new signing or two, with a couple of dozen abbreviated positions thrown into the mix. If the last transfer was the Summer of DM, then January could be the Winter of the False 9, or something. We could make a game of that too, a bit like Countdown, but instead of making words from a bunch of vowels and consonants, we put together potential formations.

“Just the one vowel please, Carol, and make it an A if you can as well please, we deal mainly in consonants”

L R M T S W C A T

Player one “I’ve got Ox at LW, Gnabry at RW, Özil as a floating CAM with Giroud at ST, Carol”

Player Two “erm….TWAT?”

The Transfer Mirror – a Transfer Window Alternative

I don’t there is a normal person alive who thinks the January transfer window, or any transfer window come to think of it, is a good idea.

It’s not going away though, so how about an alternative rather than scrapping the idea altogether?

Remember Candyman? If you said his name five times he came out of the mirror, or something.

Well, how about applying this to the transfer window, or the transfer mirror as it would then be known?

It would work like this – as soon as a player’s name is Tweeted 50 times, that player would appear out of whoever Tweeted it the most times mirror, and they would then be responsible for negotiating his price and contract, as well as convincing his current club why they should sell him halfway through the season.

This would be a great invention on two fronts.

Firstly, it would give Twitter control over transfers, because let’s be honest about it, that’s what Twitter wants isn’t it?

Secondly, if it didn’t work, there would be a lot of people forced to take a fucking good look at themselves in the mirror….

About Theo’s Injury

I did originally start off this piece writing my thoughts regarding Theo’s injury and the impact it might have on the rest of our season and our title challenge but, let’s be honest, that’s been done to death already. Plus, I’m sarcastically reminded on a daily basis that “what we need is more Arsenal bloggers giving us their opinions on X, Y and Z…” etc.
That being said, this is a season diary after all, and it wouldn’t feel right not to mention an event that could have a huge impact on Arsenal’s season.

There are many different views on how badly this will impact our title challenge, ranging from those that feel we will cope because we already have done so without Theo quite a bit this season, right through to some saying that’s it, title challenge ended right there. Some reactions have been a bit knee jerk (sorry) some have been a bit more measured, both in terms of effect and solution. Personally, I think the truth lies somewhere between those two extremes, but rather than start off a discussion that has been discussed to death, I’m going to tell you what I would like to see happen.

Do it for Theo!!!

As toe-curlingly fucking cringey as that sounds, if your perfect end to the season wouldn’t be seeing the BFG carry Theo on his shoulders around the Emirates pitch with Theo holding the Premier League trophy up, then you must be dead inside I tells ya.

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Can the “Robert Pires effect” work this time around? Ok, although there are some parallels there – the injury, the way it happened etc – I think the difference in the quality of the two squads is also very apparent. But, fuck it, why not?

I’m not here to tell you how to think, but after all the shit that’s been flying about this week, why not end it on a positive note?

There is no doubt that Theo’s injury is a devastating blow to club, country, and most importantly to Theo himself, and how we react on the pitch is immediately more important than we react off it. Yes, we need to make a move in the transfer market, but we pretty much did beforehand. Without getting all Dawson’s Creek on you or anything, it is quite obvious that there is a spirit, togetherness and camaraderie about the squad that we haven’t had in the not too distant past. (You can make your own minds up as to why that may be). I know that can only take you so far, but it has helped get us to the top of the league so far.

I’m not saying we should all get “Do it for Theo” T-Shirts made up or anything, but in a week where we have seen vile abuse adding a sickening flavour to the usual playground name calling and ITK cock measuring contests I’d like to think it’s just the tonic. And if it’s too flowery for you, then quite frankly you can fuck off.

Right, I’m off to join Glee club…

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Do it for Theo!

Darren Berry


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