Well, here we are, that shitty time again, “The Interlull”, a chance for people who couldn’t give two fucks, pay/watch players who couldn’t give a fuck, play some mediocre team from the back of beejaysus.. But it gives us a nice 2 weeks to enjoy the feeling of being top of the table, well joint top, ahead of Liverpool on Goal Difference, mmmmm that sounds familiar. Also, top of the group of death, following two victories, in the Champions League, and all this after a raft of injuries to key men. Not bad eh? Especially when you consider the assumed Armageddon, the predicted fall from grace of our manager and club only weeks ago, supposedly starting with a Man U type 8-2 humiliation in the NLD. Well, thankfully, it never occurred (thank fuck) and we’ve grown and grown. For once this break may actually help us, rather than hinder us, by getting players back, rather than losing them (fingers crossed) after it, and also gives the non-internationals/non-playing internationals time to get a well needed rest. All looking good. Only worry for me is, with the fixtures we had, I actually wanted 21 pts, not 16, as we’d no big boys in there, so we really need to start getting results against them to make this good start count.
Anyhooo, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I’m sure this scenario has had the bollock’s blogged off itself by now, so I wanna tell you all a little story and show you something special, a little treat, that got recorded, but never made it to TV.
So, I was flying out of Stansted on Wednesday, after having the pleasure of watching us destroy Napoli in the Champions League, I was heading for Spain. Being half drunk/fully hung over and a mouthy yolk at the best of times, I got talking to the guy sat next to me, well he actually started it, after seeing I was reading the programme from the night before.
Him – “you must’ve been at the match?
Me – “aye, I was indeed! Class!, fucking dying now though.”
Him – “ha-ha, typical. Are you Arsenal, neutral or working there?”
Me – “oooh pleasure mate, pure pleasure, Arsenal of course.”
You get the jist, and so it went on. Chit followed chat, etc. A whiskey or 2 from the trolley dolly, and then he told me that he was a TV producer, and that he had recorded a “Football Countdown” (as in, Richard Whiteley RIP and Carol Vorderman) for children in need a year or two beforehand, for Children in Need, but as it got too feisty that they couldn’t even cut it to make it suitable for air.
Me – “Interesting !! Please, do continue.”
He told me that while Harry Redknapp was still in charge of Spurs they got him and Arsene Wenger in a Special, to go head to head in a game of Countdown. And seeing as I’d told him I did a bit of writing for Gunners Town, that he’d share it with me, as it would be a shame that it never saw the light of day.
We exchanged e-mails, and went on our merry ways, tipsy again of course, only topping up from the previous night. Needless to say I was excited, but of course when I left his company, I began to doubt the existence of such a piece of work. “Oh bollocks, have I just got scammed into buying a random twat a whiskey or two!!.” Well low and behold a day or two later, on checking my mails, there it was. Stardust, I didn’t know how to put it up on the site, so I’ll just do a transcript of most of it, here goes, enjoy..
Jeff Stelling – “Hello, good evenong and welcome to this Special Countdown to Children in Need Football Special… Thankfully that fat fuck from Gavin and Stacey wasn’t available to do this,( the fella, not the funny Welsh girl) as he seems to do everything else in relation to Children in need, or Football and so called comedy, so they’ve chosen me, and how excited I am…….”
Jeff S – “Blah blah blah blah introductions, etc, etc.”
“ok, so lets kick off, with the first letters round gentlemen, best of luck, and remember that every point will be converted into cash for your chosen charity, and keep it clean, (cough cough) Harry. Right so first letters, Harry won the toss….”
Arsene – (under his breath) About time he won something…
Harry – “wha the fack tha cant say?”
Floorman – “Aaaaaaand cut!!!!!!!!! Lads come on, it’s for charity, please, clean, ok?”
Jeff – “Letters please Harry”
‘Arry – “awwight sweetheart, lookin good babe, watcha! Awwight twiffic, I’ll have 4 consninints or whateva, the one vaawel and 4 more o’ them consininints, treacle”
Rachel – “right Gents, and the letters are…”
K P S T B N U R A
Jeff – “ok gents, start the clock…”
Bum du dee du dee…… bum da dee da dee…. Etc, you all know how it goes….
Dee dee, du dee biddily dee booooooo…
Jeff – “ok Harry, what have ye got?”
‘Arry – “aww the yangsters mighn’t know this un, wha we used ta call shorts – TRUNKS for 6…”
Jeff – “good start!. Arsene?”
Arsene – “well seeing as it’s Harry I couldn’t leave the handbrake on, I will always go for it, you know, so I have an 8…. BANKRUPT…..’”
Arry – “what’s that fucker implying??”
FM (Floor Manager) – “aaaannnnnnd CUT!!! Gents Pleeeease.”
Jeff – “ Well done Arsene, 8 pts to 5, your in the lead…. And it’s your turn for the letters please..”
Arsene – “ mmm sure I’ll copy Harry seeing as he’s meant to be the best at everything, so I’ll have 4 consonants, 1 vowel, followed by another 4 consonants please Rachel.”
Rachel – “ ok gentlemen, and the letters are …..
Y T Y H I S W T C
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK, bee dum de dee diddly dee booooo…
Jeff – “ right Harry, seeing as you trail we’ll let you go first”
‘Arry – “I gotta 6, I like this one, either by doing it in the transfer market or on the pitch, especially against that French git over there, when you STITCH em right ap… so STITCH… get in there, back of the net..”
Arsene – “ Well looking across at Harry then there could only really be one word I could use, and that’s a 7 Jeff, and it’s TWITCHY….”
‘Arry – “ what the fack Wenga, wotcha aan ‘bout you cant !!!!”
FM – “Aaaaand cuuuut, lads FFS”
Arsene – “What? What?, I’m only playing a little bit of the game, and at this moment I’m a little bit comfartabllle.”
‘Arry – “comfaaartable? Comfaaartalbe? What the actual fack Wenga, I know whatchu aaat!!”
Jeff – “ok then that leaves the scores currently at Harry you have 11, and Arsene your on 15, and Harry it’s your choice.”
‘Arry – “ I’m getting sick o this, I’m a gaffer not a teacher… but it’s for charity, so give me 7 consnints, and 2 vaawls,ta.”
Rachel – “thank you Harry….and your letters are –
R T Y G N X S I E
MUSIC, TICK TOCK, bee dee di dee biddelly bee booooooo.
Jeff – “Harry?”
‘Arry – “ I gotta 6, and it’s one for that facker…”
Jeff – “ok hang on Harry, Arsene? Your score?”
Arsene – “mmm handbrakes on, I too only have a 6.”
Jeff – “sure your chomping at the bit there Harry, go ahead.”
‘Arry – “wiff pleasure, I got STINGY…. BOOM ya know whaa I mean Wenga, you betcha know!! Whaa, ye tight cant.”
Arsene – “ haha credit where it’s due Harry, but that problem has been forced on me, and the shackles will come off soon, but your shackles can never be removed, your problems are with you forever….”
Jeff – “ alright, easy fella’s, Arsene what have ye got?”
Arsene – “ RESIGN – well it’s a pity I couldn’t say sack, as it would be a little bit perfect for Harry with his record and the fact he looks a little bit like one haha.”
‘Arry – “jast fack you Wenga, fack you….”
FM – “mother of god cuuuuuuuuuut, lads I’m getting rightly pissed off here, honestly I haven’t had this much hassle since we tried to get Adrian Chiles to interview Gareth Bale for fuck sake.”
Jeff – “right guys, sure we’ll take a break from the letters and we’ll do some number crunching, you guys should be good at this. (and surely there can be no trouble)…. Harry you chose.”
‘Arry – “ Rachel, one from the top.”
Arsene – “ haha as if, when did you ever get that high up.”
‘Arry – “grrrr, no wait Rachel make it 4 from the top.”
Arsene – “close…but really Harry?, that high?”.
‘Arry – “and two from the bottom.”
Arsene – “that’s more like it Harry, much more suitable level for yourself.”
((‘Arry – thinks to himself) How the fack will I do these facking numbers, I ain’t got a facking clue… will I slip Jeff a sneaky monkey? Or maybe a grand, cos man I’ll end up blushing on TV, and I don’t wish that on no one. I look like a Blowfish with an overactive gland)
‘Arry – “ Jeff, a quick word? As it’s for charity is there any chance I can bring my dog out to do the maff’s , I normally leave all my book-keeping to him anyway, and as it’s for charity, it could be nice and cute and cuddly, ye kna wha I mean, Jeff, mate, mee auld mucker, mee auld bean, whaa?”
FM – “cuuuuuuuuut, for fuck sake what is it now?…… (given explaination)… Sweet devine Jesus, are you for real? You wanna bring your dog out to do the numbers round for you?.. you are kidding me?.. Is this a hidden camera blag? Am I being spanked or punked or spunked or whatever the hell it is ?……”
‘Arry – “naw mate, faw real.. the dawg does all me accounts… ask Jeff or anyone in the media, they lurve me mate.. they’ll back us up, for real. They’ll tell ye I’m coshure, faw real.”
FM – “wooooo wait wait wait!!! Hang on a minute. Harry, who or what exactly is your chosen charity?”
‘Arry – “cough, mmm, er, a dogs home.”
FM – “Harry! Which dogs home?.”
‘Arry – “Aw ye knaw, one of em there ones near, where I live n dat.”
FM – “exactly which one Harry, no more messing here, I’m getting pretty pissed off now.”
‘Arry – whispers “my ouse”
FM – “what you say?.”
‘Arry – “aight aight, my facking ause, right, ye got me, my ouse.. but the wife made me do it, she was goin to start ‘umping Giggsy if I didn’t do it, I’m sorry I swear, it’s so outta character, just ask Jeff there, or any one in the media, they’ll back me mate, I tells ye…”
FM – “Harry, shut the fuck up, and get off the set, enough already…. I’m so sorry Mr Wenger, you have been a joy, we apologise for getting this twat on with you. Next time, we promise we’ll get a manager with an intelligence higher than that of a sliced open rhubarb tart.”
Arsene – “ hahahahahaha, not at all, believe me it’s been a little bit of a blast, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. There have been more high’s than lows, believe me, and I’ll gladly play him again, as I am on a roll at the moment, and showing very special character, thank you very much..”
Well there you have it. What a hoot. There was a lot more, but it’s so difficult to transcribe it all and keep you interested at the same time, but I thought I’d share this much with you anyway. I hope you enjoyed it, and it helps you through the boring Interlull..
Oh and one more related note, I always found Carol Vorderman sexy, for the obvious reasons, but I always thought there was something else special about her… I could never quite put my finger on it … until now..
She’s a Gunner…. Knew she was special…. An Arsepidle, sounds like what came out of me when I heard Ozil had signed for us, or is Arsepidle where ‘Arry goes when he’s sick.
Til the future, up the ‘Arse (Carol)