Stuff deadline day; Arsenal the pride of North London, and Spurs lose Gareth Bale: Dream day for Gooners

Week Three – Happy Transfer Deadline
Day

I swear if I hear the word “window”
much more I will throw somebody out of one…As this goes out on Monday, I feel
the first thing I should do is to wish you all a Happy Transfer Deadline Day. I
didn’t get you a card, or anything, sorry.

I think
Deadline Day should now be officially recognised as a public holiday, you know,
like Christmas and that. We would all get a day off of work, get up early and
spend the early part of the morning leaning out of car windows.

Before lunch we go to the supermarket and enquire about the price of an item,
without actually buying them. The trick to this however is to let someone know
that you are thinking of buying such item, they then in turn pass this news on
to ten more people, with these ten people doing the same, and so on.

How this goes will determine how much you pay for the item, if indeed you
bother buying it at all. Indeed, you may even end up grabbing something off the
shelf at Lidl, after having made initial enquiries in Waitrose.

Dinner time, and the family gathers around a table decorated with laptops and
phones instead of crackers and stuff, Eastenders and the Queens speech is
replaced with watching Jim White wank himself half to death, while the unluckiest
man on TV gets molested by a bunch of inbred lunatics outside the Britannia
Stadium.

Instead of giving each other presents, we would leave them all in different
parts of the country, and at around 9pm, everybody would have to make a mad
dash to see if they reach their present before the deadline, those that don’t
make it in time end up with Peter Crouch. 

As you may have figured
out by now, and as I mentioned last week, I’m pretty much done on with this
transfer window now, hence the light hearted approach to it this week. Don’t
get me wrong, I have my views on it, how it’s gone pretty wrong up until now,
who might be to blame etc, but I will withhold those views until next week, the
reason being that although I accept our performance has been far from
satisfactory this summer, and I also agree there has to be some sort of
accountability, but I can’t subscribe to the theory that “whatever happens now,
this summer has been a failure” just yet. Maybe it’s just the eternal optimist
in me in regards to everything Arsenal – I even still think we can win the
league – or maybe it’s the fact that in my view that’s not entirely true.
“Whatever happens”, what if, however unlikely this may be, that what happens
this week is that we get the players we crave?

Anyway, I don’t want to get into any more this week, as there are other things
to talk about.

We secured Champions League qualification this week (I bet you’d forgotten that
game had even happened by now eh?), and there is the small matter of a North
London Derby too….

We Are (in) The Champions (league)

Tuesday night
saw us secure Champions League football once again with a comfortable 2-0 home
win over Fenerbahce, with two goals from the once again superb Aaron Ramsey,
the second of which was a lovely finish to a fine Arsenal move. Job done, and
Arsenal’s transfer business finally kicked off with a flurry of activity and an
influx of Mathieu Flamini….

Seriously though, as long as we bring in the players we need to improve this
talented but stretched squad, I think Mathieu Flamini could prove to be quite a
decent addition. Of course, Lukas Podolski’s eight to ten week three week
lay-off has highlighted the need to bolster the squad even more, as if we
didn’t know already. A few minutes after the extent of Poldi’s injury was
revealed, it was also revealed on Twitter that Arsenal’s season is now over before
September. I kid you not…#unfollowed.

The Most Important North London Derby
Since The Last One

The good
thing about writing this diary the way I do, is that I am able to give you both
a preview and a, erm, review of the game. Am I good to you or am I good to you?

I’m writing this on the eve of the game, and the butterflies which have been
living in my stomach since around Wednesday have grown into giant mutant
butterflies, the kind that eat your stomach from the inside, making it
impossible to concentrate on anything or keep still. That might be the spicy sausages
I had last night though…

Well, this is it isn’t it? This is what it’s all about. This is what we live
for as Arsenal supporters – The North London Derby. For a day at least the
transfer window (that fucking word again) is to be forgotten about, as the
Lilywhite c*nts come to the Grove having spent ten thousand billion pounds in
the last couple of weeks.

That’s the big thing for me. Come Sunday I will not give a flying fuck who
they’ve bought and we haven’t. Actually, I haven’t been bothered by that all
week. The feeling you get in the build-up to these games is like no other. The
excitement, anticipation, nervousness is what being a football fan is all
about.

I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling these emotions from early in the week leading
up to a North London derby, the tension is almost unbearable from then until
the final whistle blows. I will be shouting myself hoarse, as I’m sure the rest
of you will (or were, considering it was yesterday, but right now it’s
tomorrow).

It is very early in the season, but this fact will not prevent the inevitable
bollocks about a “power-shift” should the unthinkable happen and we lose. Mind
you, that power-shift that happened after the loss at the swamp didn’t work out
too bad for us did it?

I am making no predictions ahead of the game, firstly because I don’t in these
games, it makes the winning feeling sweeter, and the losing feeling less
embarrassing.

Secondly, if you look a bit lower down the page you will see the post-match
part of the blog, in which I could end up looking a bit of a c*nt.

He Left ‘Cos You’re Shit…

Fuck it.
It’s 11pm on Sunday night, I’ll make this quick…We fucking pissed all over
them, we fucking did. The BFG was absolutely superb, Olivier Giroud put in a
display that reminded me of Alan Smith.
And still that Rick Astley lookalike cockspanner thinks they deserved at least
a point.  
They looked like a team that had never played together, and for the second week
running, Arsene was right. If he keeps this up, he might even end up proving us
all wrong…

Anyway,
speaking of cockspanners, let’s bid a fond farewell to this massive piece of
dogshit…

Lets’s All Laugh At….
Gareth Bale. Again.

Yes, he’s
gone now, but he still is, and always will be a fucking c*nt, and it’s only
fitting that we stuffed the scum on the day that they delayed his signing. That
worked out well for you eh, Mr Levy, (I’m saving you for next week by the way,
Daniel, you career thief), but we should be thankful to monkey boy for leaving
us with this gem…

Look at him. What an absolute cock womble. If you can cast aside the
fact that he looks like he’s on his way to audition for a really shit boy band
for a minute, you will see there appears to be some sort of nipple malfunction
going on. (Special mentions for @WoodysIrish and @SweetAFCJane who also noticed
this) Is it a third nipple? Or has the right nipple decided to follow the lead
of anyone who works on Sky Sports and do it’s best to get as close to Gareth’s
penis as possible? Either way, he looks a right tit. (Sorry.)

And refusing to turn up to training at Spurs eh? Whooooooo! Get you, you rebel,
in your pink hat. Wanker.

Darren Berry


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