Around the World with Arsene Wenger

As summer slowly
descends on Northern Europe, Gooners all around the globe are planning their
summer holidays and thinking of that once in a lifetime around the world
trip.

As
we know, in the last 16 years, Arsene Wenger is a past master of such jaunts,
but there are some places we just wish he hadn’t bothered making a stop over at
and bringing back some unwanted presents.

This
is the Far Side (Re)View of Arsene Wenger’s guide to the top 10 places to avoid
on your transglobal holidays:

It
was late in August, Arsene was getting desperate, he had some Euros burning a
hole in his pocket, so he took a couple of trips to Lille, France. He traversed
the channel on the Eurostar and made two poorly-judged purchases at duty free:
Pascal Cygan and Park Chu-Young.

Arsene
then decided to take a trip across the border to Bremen, Germany, where his
first forays into the Bundesliga where not so successful, with the purchase of
Amaury Bischoff.

He
arrived with a groin injury, made four substitute appearances and left with a
groin injury. Not much more to say really.

Wenger
then decided to extend his trip in Europe and took an Easy Jet flight to
Bordeaux, France, where he thought purchasing Kaba Diawara would be a nice
holiday gift for The Arsenal, how wrong he was.

12
games, no goals, (from recollection) hit the post a lot, shipped back to France
tout suite.

Next
on his Euro tour was, Seville, Spain, where again, with money to burn and some
last-minute shopping to do at the airport, he made an ill-judged purchase and
filled his carrier bag with Sebastian Squillaci. A French international,
playing in Spain, he must be good? How wrong we were! A walking disaster, who
was so far down the list by the time he left, right-backs were playing centre-back
ahead of him!

It
didn’t help his standing with loyal Gooners that he was paid £60k a week for
being that shite too.

The
next leg of his journey took him over the pond to, São Paulo, Brazil, where he
went for a Brazilian and came back with a nice new haircut.

A
Denilson was the added extra at the salon, one we could have done without.

Arsene
liked South America so much, he then took a bus to, Asuncion, Paraguay and
splashed his Guaraní on Fabian Caballero. Unknown as to when he arrived, even
less known when he left!

Apparently
he did this for Dundee.

All
I ever remember him doing for The Arsenal was assaulting a Preston North End
centre-back in the FA Cup in 1999.

From
Paraguay, Arsene decided that it would be a good to visit his old stomping
ground, so he jumped on the next available flight to, Osaka, Japan, where
waiting to pick him up at the airport was Junichi Inamoto.

Arsene
decided to make a buck or two in Japanese TV rights and shirt sales. Let’s hope
that worked out for him, because Inamoto didn’t work out as a player.

Missing
his European roots, Arsene then decided to return home, first stopping off in,
Riga, Latvia, to spend some loose change and boost the local economy by buying
Igor Stepanov.

Every
time his name is mentioned, my PTSD kicks in and takes me back to Old Trafford,
February 2001. Pretty much singlehandedly culpable for all six goals. An awful
player, responsible for one of Arsenal’s darkest days.

Then,
flush with some extra cash, due to a great exchange rate, Wenger continued his
trip back to London via Lithuania to pick up Tomas Danilevicus.

When
Tomas arrived, the North Bank gave out a loud, “Who?” and rightly so.
Bought for twice the fee we paid for Nicolas Anelka, he was truly pants. Has
played for 15 sides in his 18-year career, which speak volumes really!

Arsene
decided the last leg of his trip would be by ferry across the Baltic and North
Sea and his return to the United Kingdom took him to, Ipswich, where Richard
Wright was moonlighting and waiting to drive the bus back to London.

Signed
as Spunky’s long-term replacement, he got his chance when the aforementioned David
Seaman got injured. A chance which he blew, big time, with the final straw
coming when he punched the ball into his own net in a 4–2 home defeat to
Charlton Athletic. Richard Wright Wright Wright, proved to Wenger he was Wrong,
Wrong, Wrong.

Arsene
knows his world travel, it’s just sometimes he ends up in the wrong place, at
the wrong time, with the wrong player!

(PS:
Stewart “I wouldn’t trust Wenger with £70m’ Robson,
please go away, Arsenal TV sacked you because you talked shite. All you are
doing now is proving them right)

TheSundayMorningGooner:
Let me take you on a trip, Around the world and back, And you won’t have to move,
You just sit still and follow @wellmington

Steve Wellman


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One Response to Around the World with Arsene Wenger

  1. goonergramps@gmail.com June 11, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

    Are you trying to tell us something ???

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